Almost a Year and Still in Doubt

It's been almost a year since I have posted here last. I had been meaning to do so for a while, but kept putting it off. It's been a rough year for me inwardly as I had struggled with my depression and anxiety issues. Good self esteem and confidence have always seem another step away as I go on this entire year continuing to discover who I really am.

As I decided that I wanted to open up a new age/occult shop, I kept becoming distracted by the sweet melody of MMORPG games or some new show. It was as if I was destined to dream but never act. Always coming up with new ideas, but never actually implementing them. I do not really know how much longer I can keep with the dance of never actually completing a project, but I do know that if I ever want to succeed any any of my schemes, I would need to actually take a leap of faith and go for it. But doubt is an addiction. I know you would find it odd for me to call it that, but doubt is the perfect excuse for me to be lazy and not put into action an idea I have worked so hard to formulate.

I feel unsure of exactly why taking the next step is so hard for me. I guess staying on this end, planning without taking a risk is safer. I am less likely to fail because I never give myself that chance to do so. I have a hard time dealing with fear. It's an emotion that can severely cripple me. I guess you would say doubt also keeps me safe.

I don't know who all reads this. Because it has been so long since I posted, I do not have many followers anymore. But for those who do, or stumble up on this post, I would appreciate it if you could tell me if you have had a moment where you were completely crippled with self doubt. And if you were, what did you do to get over it or do have you not jumped over that hurdle like me?

Where's my Morals?

Morals. They define who we are and guide us between what is right and wrong. However I feel like this word had been tainted by fear and control.

Now we have gone a long way of changing our ideas of the perfect nuclear family, the mom and dad with two kids and a dog. But there are times when if find that people still seem to think that because someone else says it's wrong that it is.

I'm mostly talking about same sex couples. But not just them, some people still think that interracial or interreligious couple are wrong. But to be honest, who are they hurting? Who exactly are they causing harm? Some answer that the threaten the moral value of family.

How?

Same sex couples they say they can't procreate.

So? Let them adopt. There are plenty of state children needing a home.

Because gays are not fit to raise children.

Not fit to raise a child? What about the idiot heterosexual couple leaving their child in the back of a car in the middle of 90 degree weather while they get drunk in a strip club?!

It boggles my mind that those kind of people can procreate and have children, but a loving and caring same sex parents cannot adopt a child in need of a safe home because it's "immoral". This kind of thinking is depriving children of wonderful and caring guardians. Sexual preference should NOT be a deciding factor for a potential parents.

Symbols Part Three: The Ankh

Ankh literally means 'life'. All life. Earthly, spiritual and even underworldly. It is an ancient Egyptian symbol that is so old, many scholars are not sure of when or where it came from. Whether from a the shape of a sandal strap or that it is the rising sun, the loop being the sun, the horizontal bar the horizon and the vertical bar the sun's path, or even the Nile.

On walls of tombs, many gods are depicted feeding pharaohs an ankh, giving it the sub meaning, 'breath of life'. It is also said to be a gateway between this realm and to the Underworld. It unifies the male and female, through the loop (Sun, which is masculine) and horizontal bar (Earth, which is feminine), or through the cross being male and the loop being female. Mirrors, which are also doors to the otherside, were made in the shape of an ankh.

Self Love

I was told once by a woman, a customer of mine, how she felt so much better once she took Jesus into her heart. This made me think. Who is Jesus really? He is different for every person. To me, Jesus was a good man with the right type of thinking, with followers who had the wrong idea for the right reasons. Over time, those reasons became obscure and became power and control. That is just how I believe on this matter. Why would any religion be so keen on a non-believer to convert?

I think in a manner of way I to carry Jesus in my heart. Or at least try to. I just refer him to love. Isn't that what he was supposed to be about? Love? Now I'm not just talking about romantic or familiar or even through friendship. I think it mostly pertains to self love. Self acceptance. Because let's face it, do you really love yourself? Completely and unconditionally?

I know I don't completely. But I want to and I'm trying to. To love yourself is more difficult than to love another in my opinion. I love my family. I love my friends. But I still don't love myself completely.

I also remember a story of his I heard at a bible study group back when I was a teenager still trying to find my path. It was a story about how three were given gold. The first spent it all. The second buried it, and the third invested it. Only the third got more out of his gold than the first two brothers. It's a story about gifts and how we should share them with others and the world.

People say that singing is my gift. But that is difficult for me to share, but not at the same time. Sometimes I'm too shy and sometimes I'm searching for acceptance. Again, loving myself comes into play with that.

I guess everything comes down to love, which in my belief is the Divine. Unconditional love.

Self Evaluation

So yesterday I received my Annual Performance Review at where I work. The past fall, we were required to fill out a self evaluation. These self evaluations are very difficult for me because I have to correct, and my assumptions of myself rarely are until I see an example. Needless to say I was very nervous coming down to the office. I entered and we started with the overview of my evaluation.

There were three main things that I  need to work on. One of which I have been, which is coming to work on time. I had some issues with oversleeping for a while, but so far I've haven't been more than just a couple minutes late. Usually I'm at the most, fifteen minutes early, and on rare occasion 20-30 minutes early. The other two I knew I needed to work on, but didn't realize how much it actually affected my job performance.

I am a Persephone.

The other day I found this Goddess Archetype Quiz. It peeked my interest so I decided to try it out. It took awhile to fill out (I wish the woman who made it learned out to do forms. It might have made things easier on the the quiz taker), but when I got my results, I was a bit surprised at how accurate it was to me.

These were my results:

Hera (-4) >Issues of Power< Persephone (34)

Demeter (13) >Issues of Relatedness< Aphrodite (17)

Athena (11) >Issues of Purpose< Artemis (9)

Hestia (8)

Yep, my highest score was Persephone, Goddess of the Underworld. Everything else seemed to be quite even.

So I went to check the description for Persephone. For anyone who knows me, knows personally knows that this is me. I may have gave you a link, but I'm going to copy and paste bits of the description and comment.