Almost a Year and Still in Doubt

It's been almost a year since I have posted here last. I had been meaning to do so for a while, but kept putting it off. It's been a rough year for me inwardly as I had struggled with my depression and anxiety issues. Good self esteem and confidence have always seem another step away as I go on this entire year continuing to discover who I really am.

As I decided that I wanted to open up a new age/occult shop, I kept becoming distracted by the sweet melody of MMORPG games or some new show. It was as if I was destined to dream but never act. Always coming up with new ideas, but never actually implementing them. I do not really know how much longer I can keep with the dance of never actually completing a project, but I do know that if I ever want to succeed any any of my schemes, I would need to actually take a leap of faith and go for it. But doubt is an addiction. I know you would find it odd for me to call it that, but doubt is the perfect excuse for me to be lazy and not put into action an idea I have worked so hard to formulate.

I feel unsure of exactly why taking the next step is so hard for me. I guess staying on this end, planning without taking a risk is safer. I am less likely to fail because I never give myself that chance to do so. I have a hard time dealing with fear. It's an emotion that can severely cripple me. I guess you would say doubt also keeps me safe.

I don't know who all reads this. Because it has been so long since I posted, I do not have many followers anymore. But for those who do, or stumble up on this post, I would appreciate it if you could tell me if you have had a moment where you were completely crippled with self doubt. And if you were, what did you do to get over it or do have you not jumped over that hurdle like me?

Symbols Part Three: The Ankh

Ankh literally means 'life'. All life. Earthly, spiritual and even underworldly. It is an ancient Egyptian symbol that is so old, many scholars are not sure of when or where it came from. Whether from a the shape of a sandal strap or that it is the rising sun, the loop being the sun, the horizontal bar the horizon and the vertical bar the sun's path, or even the Nile.

On walls of tombs, many gods are depicted feeding pharaohs an ankh, giving it the sub meaning, 'breath of life'. It is also said to be a gateway between this realm and to the Underworld. It unifies the male and female, through the loop (Sun, which is masculine) and horizontal bar (Earth, which is feminine), or through the cross being male and the loop being female. Mirrors, which are also doors to the otherside, were made in the shape of an ankh.

Symbols Part Two: The Caduceus

The Caduceus is a rod or staff with a knobbed top, a pair of sprouted wings and two serpents weaved around the staff. It is often mistaken with the rod of Asclepius, a staff with a single serpent wrapped around it representing Asclepius, Greek god of medicine and healing and son of Apollo. Because of this, the Caduceus is used in the medical and pharmaceutical fields. But it represents Hermes, the Messenger God and a patron of travelers, merchants and thieves.

There are stories behind the Caduceus. The one story is where Hermes stole some of Apollo's sacred cattle. To appease for what he did, Hermes fashioned a lyre. Apollo, in awe of the lyre, traded Hermes his staff. Another is one where Hermes had found two intertwined snakes, battling each other. He took his staff and drove in between the two snakes and brought peace between them.

Through the months in preparation on my tattoo, in which is now the Caduceus on my back, I did research in finding the meaning of this symbol has it has popped up a few times  in meditations, along with the Ankh and the Blood (or Knot) of Isis. During that time I also broke down the Caduceus into the parts that make up it.

Symbols Part One: The Goal

Been feeling like I have no idea what to write here anymore. I forgot how sometimes sharing can be the hardest thing for me. Communication has always been difficult for me.

But then last night I thought of doing a series of posts that goes through different symbols in Paganism as well as other religions and spiritual paths and describing their meanings, and then meditate on the meaning of the symbol to me and post my findings.

Tomorrow I will start with the Caduceus.

I hope this will help me some up with other thing to write about.

Self Love

I was told once by a woman, a customer of mine, how she felt so much better once she took Jesus into her heart. This made me think. Who is Jesus really? He is different for every person. To me, Jesus was a good man with the right type of thinking, with followers who had the wrong idea for the right reasons. Over time, those reasons became obscure and became power and control. That is just how I believe on this matter. Why would any religion be so keen on a non-believer to convert?

I think in a manner of way I to carry Jesus in my heart. Or at least try to. I just refer him to love. Isn't that what he was supposed to be about? Love? Now I'm not just talking about romantic or familiar or even through friendship. I think it mostly pertains to self love. Self acceptance. Because let's face it, do you really love yourself? Completely and unconditionally?

I know I don't completely. But I want to and I'm trying to. To love yourself is more difficult than to love another in my opinion. I love my family. I love my friends. But I still don't love myself completely.

I also remember a story of his I heard at a bible study group back when I was a teenager still trying to find my path. It was a story about how three were given gold. The first spent it all. The second buried it, and the third invested it. Only the third got more out of his gold than the first two brothers. It's a story about gifts and how we should share them with others and the world.

People say that singing is my gift. But that is difficult for me to share, but not at the same time. Sometimes I'm too shy and sometimes I'm searching for acceptance. Again, loving myself comes into play with that.

I guess everything comes down to love, which in my belief is the Divine. Unconditional love.

An Epiphany of Enlightenment

A moment of being. An epiphany. My mother calls it an "Ah ha!" moment. Whatever term you use or make up, those moments have helped me see the world, or myself, in a different view. Many of which happened in my more recent years. Such as a moment at one of my great uncles' funeral, where I learned the connection of death between us all and how it is only just the last great journey in our short lives. With such a short time to fill that indiscriminate void in our hearts and souls, a women came to me about Jesus, giving me another epiphany. She said that Jesus was inside her. I remember thinking that I had found "Jesus," though I use a different term. Gaia. Earth. Be it God, Allah, Jesus, Mother Earth or even the "Force," to me those terms were all synonyms to each other. But the one moment of being that pops most in my head was when I was much younger.

Passive Agressive Ignorance

GRR!! While I appreciate these people actually acknowledge that Wiccans don't knowingly worship the devil, they still seem to think that we do unknowingly. I'm a little appalled at how they write about Wiccans. Some things they have right. Most are wrong. And they do this don't insult these deceived people who don't realize the forces they call upon are demonic. Seriously?!

Wiccan's are nature based, and to us Nature is God. Nature is Divine. The forces we call upon are the forces of the Divine. Christian used similar mysticism in their practices. This website aggravates me because they are so hypocritical in their words. They say not to try and convert us but then say to in another sentence.

What aggravates me as well is it's obvious that most of their information that comes from Wiccans are from fluffy bunnies. A fluffy bunny in the Pagan society is someone who is not truly serious in the spirituality of Wicca and Paganism. See here for more details.

“The further you get into Wicca, the further you will move into darkness. The further you move into darkness, the more hostile you may become to Christianity, the idea of the cross and its sacrifice, etc.  Oftentimes those who are involved in occult practices develop an attraction for dark things, the nighttime, skulls, various forms of rebellion, dark clothing, and a desire for power. These things are the fingerprints of the enemy that gradually overtake a person involved in occult practices.  Have you been touched by the enemy?  Do you desire these things?  If so, have you been touched by the darkness?”

First off. There is NOTHING evil about darkness. Darkness is the unknown. Darkness is our animal instincts and desires. Darkness is intuitive. Darkness helps keep us in balance. There is nothing wrong with nighttime. Not with dark clothing, but not all Wiccan wear dark clothing and not all who where dark clothing are Wiccan.

“The reason the Bible forbids witchcraft is because the power that comes through the incantations and spells are derived from demonic forces, not from God.”

The line “Thou shall not suffer a witch to live.” First and for most, the bible has gone through SO many translations, and so exact words really shouldn't be taken literal. And also, though my own studies, the work 'witch' was originally 'sorcerer', in which back in those times, meant 'murder through poisoning', NOT a mysticism.

Also Occult does not mean evil or demonic. It actually means 'mystery'.

I went and looked at the Islam page and was more disturbed when I looked at their 'Muslims, pleas read this first' page. Not because it was worse. No, all they did was basically say that they apologize for anything that may be incorrect. But on the “Wiccans, please read this first' page, they say is that we unknowingly are in contact with evil.

“How do you know that what you are contacting is good or bad? What standard do you have by which you can judge whether or not the results you are getting are from the God and Goddess or are instead from some demonic forces that impersonate various deities in order to deceive you?”

How do we know? Because the forces we use are neither good nor evil. It's like saying a sword is bad. Now a Sword can be if used to kill others in cold blood, but what about in self or familial defense? Is it truly evil, completely evil, to use a weapon in defense of your own life or the life of a loved one.

I do believe that there are beings out their that create chaos and such, but chaos is not completely bad. It is necessary for change. It is natural. Just as order is. That is what Wiccan believe. Balance between opposites. Yin and Yang. It's law of nature. And Nature is what again? Nature is Divine. Nature is God.

Just because we celebrate both aspects of the Divine and not one does not make us unknowingly celebrating evil.

Nameste Meditation

I did what a friend suggested that I do and meditate with a specific track. I realized that I did do this meditation when I went with her and her husband to Ocracoke. When I had this meditation (last night's and the Ocracoke one), the inner self that greeted me didn't look quite like me. First off she was skinny and her hair was down to her knees and very curly. She wore a white dress and veil over her head. she also bore a deer mask with antlers.

The thing is I knew was me, but she looked nothing like me save the dark brown hair. And no matter how hard I tried to do this meditation last night without the influence of the one in Ocracoke, I couldn't. When the guy in the meditation said that a figure walk up to me, that was who I saw.

I can't tell if it was just the influence of the last meditation, or if it she is my inner self. I don't mind, she was beautiful. She was someone that I wanted to look like. Someone I wanted to be.

Tell me what you think.

Self Evaluation

So yesterday I received my Annual Performance Review at where I work. The past fall, we were required to fill out a self evaluation. These self evaluations are very difficult for me because I have to correct, and my assumptions of myself rarely are until I see an example. Needless to say I was very nervous coming down to the office. I entered and we started with the overview of my evaluation.

There were three main things that I  need to work on. One of which I have been, which is coming to work on time. I had some issues with oversleeping for a while, but so far I've haven't been more than just a couple minutes late. Usually I'm at the most, fifteen minutes early, and on rare occasion 20-30 minutes early. The other two I knew I needed to work on, but didn't realize how much it actually affected my job performance.

Yes, I'm a witch. And I'm proud of it!

Not much to say today. Been rather lethargic and depressed the past couple of days. Things like this happen to me. But I think I might introduce myself a bit more in this post.

I was born on a Friday at exactly 5:30 in the evening. It was the Day of the Dead, which giving when I was born, explains a lot about my own personality. I was born into a Methodist family with several great uncles who were pastors, one of them only alive today. I grew up without a father, but not because I was unwanted. My father had sadly passed away when I was about two years old. So with that, I was raised by my mother, but had a grandfather and two local uncles who helped fill in the father figure gap in their own distinct ways.

I am a Persephone.

The other day I found this Goddess Archetype Quiz. It peeked my interest so I decided to try it out. It took awhile to fill out (I wish the woman who made it learned out to do forms. It might have made things easier on the the quiz taker), but when I got my results, I was a bit surprised at how accurate it was to me.

These were my results:

Hera (-4) >Issues of Power< Persephone (34)

Demeter (13) >Issues of Relatedness< Aphrodite (17)

Athena (11) >Issues of Purpose< Artemis (9)

Hestia (8)

Yep, my highest score was Persephone, Goddess of the Underworld. Everything else seemed to be quite even.

So I went to check the description for Persephone. For anyone who knows me, knows personally knows that this is me. I may have gave you a link, but I'm going to copy and paste bits of the description and comment.