Almost a Year and Still in Doubt

It's been almost a year since I have posted here last. I had been meaning to do so for a while, but kept putting it off. It's been a rough year for me inwardly as I had struggled with my depression and anxiety issues. Good self esteem and confidence have always seem another step away as I go on this entire year continuing to discover who I really am.

As I decided that I wanted to open up a new age/occult shop, I kept becoming distracted by the sweet melody of MMORPG games or some new show. It was as if I was destined to dream but never act. Always coming up with new ideas, but never actually implementing them. I do not really know how much longer I can keep with the dance of never actually completing a project, but I do know that if I ever want to succeed any any of my schemes, I would need to actually take a leap of faith and go for it. But doubt is an addiction. I know you would find it odd for me to call it that, but doubt is the perfect excuse for me to be lazy and not put into action an idea I have worked so hard to formulate.

I feel unsure of exactly why taking the next step is so hard for me. I guess staying on this end, planning without taking a risk is safer. I am less likely to fail because I never give myself that chance to do so. I have a hard time dealing with fear. It's an emotion that can severely cripple me. I guess you would say doubt also keeps me safe.

I don't know who all reads this. Because it has been so long since I posted, I do not have many followers anymore. But for those who do, or stumble up on this post, I would appreciate it if you could tell me if you have had a moment where you were completely crippled with self doubt. And if you were, what did you do to get over it or do have you not jumped over that hurdle like me?

I'm ALIVE!

Okay, the fact that I haven't posted in a LONG time, suggests that I'm not exactly adhering to my commitment to post here at least once a week. I'm a little angry at myself but here we go again. Gotta keep my mind on the positive.

So here I am again, revisiting a commitment and with no idea what to write about right now. ^^; I have a few posts that were started but never finished. Maybe I'll finish them and post one of them. ^^

Self Love

I was told once by a woman, a customer of mine, how she felt so much better once she took Jesus into her heart. This made me think. Who is Jesus really? He is different for every person. To me, Jesus was a good man with the right type of thinking, with followers who had the wrong idea for the right reasons. Over time, those reasons became obscure and became power and control. That is just how I believe on this matter. Why would any religion be so keen on a non-believer to convert?

I think in a manner of way I to carry Jesus in my heart. Or at least try to. I just refer him to love. Isn't that what he was supposed to be about? Love? Now I'm not just talking about romantic or familiar or even through friendship. I think it mostly pertains to self love. Self acceptance. Because let's face it, do you really love yourself? Completely and unconditionally?

I know I don't completely. But I want to and I'm trying to. To love yourself is more difficult than to love another in my opinion. I love my family. I love my friends. But I still don't love myself completely.

I also remember a story of his I heard at a bible study group back when I was a teenager still trying to find my path. It was a story about how three were given gold. The first spent it all. The second buried it, and the third invested it. Only the third got more out of his gold than the first two brothers. It's a story about gifts and how we should share them with others and the world.

People say that singing is my gift. But that is difficult for me to share, but not at the same time. Sometimes I'm too shy and sometimes I'm searching for acceptance. Again, loving myself comes into play with that.

I guess everything comes down to love, which in my belief is the Divine. Unconditional love.

Nameste Meditation

I did what a friend suggested that I do and meditate with a specific track. I realized that I did do this meditation when I went with her and her husband to Ocracoke. When I had this meditation (last night's and the Ocracoke one), the inner self that greeted me didn't look quite like me. First off she was skinny and her hair was down to her knees and very curly. She wore a white dress and veil over her head. she also bore a deer mask with antlers.

The thing is I knew was me, but she looked nothing like me save the dark brown hair. And no matter how hard I tried to do this meditation last night without the influence of the one in Ocracoke, I couldn't. When the guy in the meditation said that a figure walk up to me, that was who I saw.

I can't tell if it was just the influence of the last meditation, or if it she is my inner self. I don't mind, she was beautiful. She was someone that I wanted to look like. Someone I wanted to be.

Tell me what you think.

Self Evaluation

So yesterday I received my Annual Performance Review at where I work. The past fall, we were required to fill out a self evaluation. These self evaluations are very difficult for me because I have to correct, and my assumptions of myself rarely are until I see an example. Needless to say I was very nervous coming down to the office. I entered and we started with the overview of my evaluation.

There were three main things that I  need to work on. One of which I have been, which is coming to work on time. I had some issues with oversleeping for a while, but so far I've haven't been more than just a couple minutes late. Usually I'm at the most, fifteen minutes early, and on rare occasion 20-30 minutes early. The other two I knew I needed to work on, but didn't realize how much it actually affected my job performance.