Self Evaluation

So yesterday I received my Annual Performance Review at where I work. The past fall, we were required to fill out a self evaluation. These self evaluations are very difficult for me because I have to correct, and my assumptions of myself rarely are until I see an example. Needless to say I was very nervous coming down to the office. I entered and we started with the overview of my evaluation.

There were three main things that I  need to work on. One of which I have been, which is coming to work on time. I had some issues with oversleeping for a while, but so far I've haven't been more than just a couple minutes late. Usually I'm at the most, fifteen minutes early, and on rare occasion 20-30 minutes early. The other two I knew I needed to work on, but didn't realize how much it actually affected my job performance.

 The first is my aloofness. I lack focus. I know where that comes from. I suffer from ADD, but that does not completely excuse it. However, just as I was writing this, my ind wondered off on to a different tangent. It's kind of aggravating at times how distracted I can be. I know now that I need to work harder at keeping myself in focus.

The second is my complete lack of confidence in myself. I'm unsure all the time. I guess part of it is habit of trying not to lie. Too many times in my life I've been certain of something, only to be completely wrong. Plus, I don't really have any self-esteem. I hate how fat I am. I hate how lazy and so overwhelmed by just the simple thing of picking myself up. Part of this I think is due to the fact that I hardly ever had friends and constantly teased because I liked cartoons (it was actually anime and many of those who teased me probably at least watch some anime show when they became very popular), or because I wore pants with a skirt because I didn't want to worry about some guy looking up this skirt (and it was WAY short for school dress code, but I loved it anyways, and turns out it was in style for a bit a year later). This part I know frustrates my roommates. One of them has told me on several occasions. But for those who know what it's like, having no self-esteem, with depression, and severe and social anxiety disorder, it's difficult, VERY difficult, to get out of that cycle. But I know it's not impossible (Single Dad Laughing has many posts about many things that can bring a person down. His blog has helped me come to terms with issues I never realized I had.).

So, I have some ideas on what to do to help me be not only a better worker, but feel like a better person. First, with permission (that I'm most likely gonna get), I'm going to keep a small pen or pencil and a small pocket sized notepad with me. This is to jot down the list of things I need to do. I'm hoping that writing them down will help me not only remember them, but stay focused on the job. Second, I'm going to stop saying 'try', 'maybe', 'possibly' or any other word that is unsure. If I know it works, I will say it will work. The only time I'm allowed to say it is if I am going to ask for a manager if it is okay or what not. Also, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I'm going to tell myself that I'm beautiful and sexy. And I'm going to remind myself I have been called beautiful and sexy.

I'm also going to start meditating every day. I'm at least gonna go through one particular guided meditation that has affirmations in it. Not only will it help with my confidant issues, but it will help with focus. To keep myself doing this, I'm going to do it before I start typing on this so that I can make an ending to each post where I will record anything that I noticed about myself, even if I put down something short and boring.

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I would appreciate that anyone who reads this to comment on my posts. Tell me what you think. Even if it's encouragement. Please if you have any suggestions on any other tactics I can use to help me achieve these two goals, leave a comment.